Why Positivity is Killing us
“Positive thinking” is one of the holiest rules of the New Age/Self-help movement and simply stated is the belief that negativity is “bad” for you, that thinking sad, angry, grief-filled thoughts will only allow these nasty aspects of yourself to breed and possibly drown you under their collective doom and gloom. So what is needed is a healthy dose of “positivity”- “turn your frown upside down” say a few affirmations and all your troubles will magically transform themselves into happy, giggly thoughts- and if they don’t, you’re not doing it right and you’re probably in need of a stronger form of positivity reboot- namely in the form of your legally prescribed anti-depressant medication.
Positivity is the Emperor’s New Clothes of the self-help movement- and look out anyone who dares to challenge this fundamental tenant of self empowerment and happiness; and whilst there’s no denying that being able to challenge your thoughts is actually a healthy thing and is in fact the basis of much cognitive behavioural therapy, it’s the insidious belief that your feelings and your thoughts can be divided into “positive” and “negative” or more simply put “good” and” bad” that is an unseen poison that is seeping into our collective consciousness and literally killing us.
This simple labelling invites us to reject some fundamental aspects of who we are, to turn our back on ourselves and make it wrong and bad, which in essence is saying that it is us who are wrong and bad and we need to be fixed, we need to change because we are unacceptable.
What if our sadness, our anger and our grief rather than being aspects of ourselves that need to be suppressed are actually a very appropriate response to the current state of the world? To the dying species, the inequality, the starvation, the killing- need I go on? Maybe if we were actually able to listen to these parts of ourselves with awareness rather than judgement we might find that the sadness and grief we feel is not necessarily an individual one but one that reflects a deeper pain that is being expressed by our collective soul. But we don’t because instead we’re taught that it’s not okay to feel down and blue- we should push away our sadness and cover it over with a fake smile that is increasingly hard to maintain without some alcohol or drugs.
Or maybe instead of positivity we trade up for the spiritual by-pass show. This is one rung higher up in the “I’m enlightened” game because we no longer even have an ego to be positive about- we’re so evolved we’ve transcended that dualistic, small minded thinking- we’re all about “Oneness” and “Love” so there’s no way that we sully our beautiful spirit with mean minded and ego-filled concepts such as anger and grief- don’t you know that our true nature is love?
But feeling sad, even allowing despair to be present may well be a vital and necessary stage in being able to actually effect change both in our personal lives and in our collective ones. Fritz Perls- one of the pioneers of modern day therapy said it best:
“Change comes about when we become who we are, not when we try to become who we think we should be”
Denying our pain with positivity is simply a form of mass denial and yes it’s true that we’re still in the process of creating a story or a space where sadness and grief are widely socially allowed but removing our fixation on positivity has to be one of the first steps we take- to be able to say I feel sad, I feel full of grief and for us to be met in this space with mutual recognition, respect and gentleness- surely it’s time?
I think you may be onto something here Samina. Sadly suppressing these emotions is what we are taught. For me, being met in our sadness, grief, anger etc. is okay to share and sit with in the company of intimate relationships such as your partner, close friend or therapist. Life would be ultimately changed if we could be this way collectively with each other. A much more compassionate world would emerge I think.
I so love it when Samina follows her heart!
You express here what I have felt for a long time. Living where I do, in a bubble of New-Age American thinking, in a climate that’s always upbeat and sunny, people must fulfill the eleventh commandment: “Though shall be positive at any cost.”
I am unable to write without a bit of resentment, can you tell? That sharpness didn’t escape me in some of your writing, either. Yes, let our frustration help us grow wings that can span the whole spectrum of our real life.
Reblogged this on and commented:
OMG I so wish I could show this to Tony Robbins self-egoed so-called guru of personal development and Billionaire on the takings of the people he has brainwashed into believing his bullshit. I always felt uncomfortable with his philosophy and thought it was me. And so they sell you the next and the next and the next course infinitum until they’re rolling in money and we are broke, still have sad days and feelings, but struggle to fake it While they sell us on Another of their courses. These people are to be avoided at all costs.
An interesting post indeed. I do believe in the power of positive thinking but never at the expense of denying ones true feelings. Every feeling, every emotion is a representation of how the world around us is affecting us in that moment. To deny these feelings is to not deal with them and that is unhealthy.
For me the positivity comes in to play with how I deal with these emotions. In the past (and sometimes still) I would bottle them up, push them down and suppress them. This, of course would never work in the long run and eventually they would explode out in a fit of rage or something. Dealing with them positively is acknowledging them and the reasons for having them. Not judging them, just accepting them for what they are. Then shifting the energy of the emotion to something positive. Usually for me it is channeling it into something creative rather than punching a wall.
So much great art and poetry comes from pain, sadness, rage, angst. Can you imagine a world without it? Where everyone is positive all of the time? Makes me anxious just thinking about how shit the art and music and should of the world would be.
Yes! And I think it’s even more than that. So called “negative” emotions are great teachers. Here are some possible lessons: Sadness reveals what we find valuable. Anger reveals where we are intolerant. Anxiety shows us where we don’t think we’re safe. The full-throated human experience has purpose. Avoiding pain is a way to short circuit our growth.
In my observation and reading, I believe that most competent mental health professionals recognize this in some form and do not try to gloss over people’s feelings with bromides about being positive. I include even Marty Seligman’s “positive psychology” movement in that number. He makes a good point that we can develop “learned optimism” as an alternative to “learned helplessness.” Of course, as with anything taken too far, we must remain in balance when using these ideas.
Saminafollowsherheart, Thank you for bringing up such an important topic!
Mark Morris, LCSW
author, Living Yes, a Handbook for Being Human
http://www.livingyes.org