Will I ever stop?

Woman sitting in a tree looking at the moon - dark night of the soul

Oh, how I fool myself-
endlessly caught up in the game of seeking, clinging, grasping,
for certainty, proof, knowledge

so that I can
stand on solid ground, be okay, a somebody, feel safe

so that I don’t have to
feel uncomfortable, feel sad, alone,
admit to my fears, my vulnerability, my humanity

and yet,
pushing away my fears, vulnerability, humanity
just increases my desperation, isolation, separation

and when I’m honest and
admit to my fears, vulnerability, humanity

when I say I’m often scared, lonely, angry, judgemental, worried that there’s something fundamentally wrong about me

when I let myself feel this fully,
then something dissolves, relaxes, softens inside of me
I touch into a depth unknown, yet my deepest home,
I’m held in the tenderest embrace whilst I swirl through unknown lands
all  knowing falls away and simply my essence remains

so why, oh why do I keep on forgetting this over and over again?
oh why, oh why do I once again begin my cycle of seeking, clinging and grasping?

Will I ever stop?

Art: Girl in Tree ~ Susan Boulet